The joke thread

All right, I'm a bit on a quest to understand foreign sense of humour (if there's any at all  ), so please post here the joke you found funniest ever.

Here's mine (Warning, my nationality is spanish, my humour isn't  )

Quote :

A tourist is walking around in the countryside, when he finds a sheppard with his herd of lambs.

"Good day to you, sheppard" says he shily

"Good day" answers the sheppard, inexpressively

The tourist continues: "Nice herd you have here...black and white sheeps I see"

"Yep"

The tourist then asks: "Do those sheep give much milk?"

"Which ones, the whites or the blacks?"

"Errr...welll...the blacks."

"Some two liters per week."

"Oh, I see...and the whites?

"The whites too."

Puzzled by the answer and the unexpressive look in the sheppard's face, the tourist continues:

"Do those sheep give much wool?"

Again the sheppard asks "Which ones, the whites or the blacks?"

"Errr...well...the whites."

"Some 5 pounds per year."

"Hum...and the blacks?

"The blacks too."

Now already a bit upset with the sheppard, the tourist continues:

"And do those sheeps have many offspring?"

"Which ones, the whites or the blacks?"

"The ... blacks."

"An average of 1 per year."

"And the whites?

"The whites too."

Now really angry, the tourist ask: "Listen man, why is it that every time I ask you something about the sheeps you ask me first if I mean the whites or the blacks??"

"Well" says unexpressively the sheppard "just because the whites are mine"

"Ahhhhh now I see" says the tourist, a bit relieved, "And the blacks?"

"The blacks too" answers the sheppard

 good one ! Good topic too !

Brilliant mate!  

A joke my uncle told me and I always liked it.

2 Fish in a tank.

One says to the other....

Do you know how to drive this thing!



Sorry ill not let the door hit me on the way out  

Cajun humor:

Thibodeaux walked into his favorite bar for an after dinner drink in New Orleans. To his delight there was a scorching hot woman at the bar he had not seen before. The evening crowd had not shown up yet so the little hottie did not have a line of men hitting on her yet. Thibodeaux, being very single and very lonely immediately approached the target of this evening's flirtations and offered to buy her a drink. She refused.

Thibodeaux was not bothered; he asked, "Tell me ma sweets young thang, whats kind of da men do you like?"

The hottie said, "I like two kind of men, American Indians and Cajun men".

Thibodeaux thought for a moment, to buy himself time he asked, "What is it thats attracts you to dem types of men?"

The hotness replied "Oh, I like the Indian men because of their stamina from years of running on foot and their ability to skillfully ride their steed. This makes them last forever in bed and when they are on top they are a master of the bedroom. The Cajun men are on the top of my list because everyone knows they are born with the big tools a woman likes and know how to use their tongues to warm up the evening."

Thibodeaux listened intently all the while trying to figure out how he could make this information work in his favor. As she finished her answer he replied, "Well cher, I gots da good news for you. My name is Tonto Boudreaux and I am at your service."

Why did the Siamese twins go to England?

So the other one could drive.  

Another one for you

A duck walk's into a bar.

The duck asks "Got any bread?"

The bartender looks puzzled and replies "No sorry"

The duck walks out with small tears in his eyes.

The next day, the duck walks in and says, "Got any bread?"

Again the bartender replies a bit more sharply "No sorry, I told you that yesterday"

Again the duck walks out and is rather upset.

The next day..... Again the duck walks in and ask's "got any bread?"
This time the bartender is quite angry at the question and replies "Look Duck, Last 2 days you've been in asking for bread and I've told you no! If you ask once more ill nail your fucking bill to the bar alright!

The duck replies "alright alright sorry! I won't ask again" trying to hold back floods of tears he walks out.

A few days later the duck walks in, The bartender walks over, "Yes sir what can I get you? "

Duck replies "Got any nails?"
The bartender is puzzled and shrugs his shoulders "No?"

The duck smiles and says "Got any bread then!"

A spanish tourist makes a visit to Berlin. Arriving from the airport, he takes a taxi to the hotel, which happens to be a Mercedes S-class. Impressed by all the knobs and switches he sees, he starts asking the driver:

"Hey dude, what's that switch for?"

"That one?" replies the driver "That one's for opening the bonnet"

"Oh, nice. And that other one?"

Patiently, the driver answers: "That one lowers or raises the GPS antenna"

"Yikes, GPS antenna, nice ... and what's that lever over there for?"

Already annoyed, the driver mutters: "That one will regulate the height of the rear suspension"

"Amazing.And can you tell me what that star on a circle is doing there?" says the tourist, pointing at the classical Mercedes bonnet symbol.

Fed up with the guy, the driver says: "That? ... That is actually a crosshair, which is used to kill grandmas aiming the car and running over them"

"Really?"

"Really. REALLY."

"Well" says the tourist "There you have one grandma crossing the street, will you use the crosshair?"

Red faced with anger, the driver floors the car and aims for the grandma, veering of course in the last moment, but passing very close on her side.

However, a loud hit is heard. Then, the tourist, with a triumphant smile on his face exclaims: "Ha, lots of buttons, switches and technology, but hadn't I opened the door, we would have missed the grandma"

From my man Clarque Johnson :

Quote :

A hunter spots a grizzly bear 1,000 yards away, but he can't get any closer so he aims his rifle and pulls the trigger.  He can see he's hit the bear, so he sets off after it.  When he finally catches up to the bear, the bear is clutching his shoulder and says, "Was it you who shot me?"

The hunter says, "Yes."

The bear says, "You need to be taught a lesson."  The bear strips off the hunter's clothes, bends him over, and has his way with him.

Several minutes later the hunter struggles to his feet, pulls himself together, and vows to find that bear.  He searches through the woods, up hill and dale, and then he spots it 500 yards away, aims his rifle, pulls the trigger, and sets off after it.  When he catches up to the bear, the bear says, "Did you shoot me again?"

The hunter, trembling, says, "Yes."

The bear says, "Well, maybe this'll teach you," whereupon it grabs up the hunter, rips off his already tattered clothing, throws him violently to the ground, and really rips him a new one.

The hunter eventually gets to his feet, naked and dazed, and he decides he's going after the bear one more time.  He trips through dense underbrush, he trudges through soupy swamps, and he treks across vast valleys, and finally he finds the bear only a hundred yards away, across a small opening.  He takes careful aim, holds his breath, and pulls the trigger.

The hunter, already exhausted, sprints up to the bear.

The bear says, "Did you shoot me AGAIN?"

The hunter says, "Yep."

So the bear says, "You didn't really come here to hunt, did you?"

 

Ha ha knew that one Frank but it always makes me laugh  

Tha rabbit is running around in the jungle, when he suddenly finds the elephant, who is about to aspirate some cocaine. The rabbit jumps around him, yelling: "Elephant, ask yourself what are you doing with your life, we're just animals, we must be running around in the jungle, come with me!!"
The elephant thinks about it and says: "Why, you are right I'm wasting my life, let's go running around like the animals we are"
So both go running around in the jungle, when they suddenly find the giraffe, who is about to lit a big marihuana cigarrette.
The rabbit jumps around her, yelling: "Giraffe, ask yourself what are you doing with your life, we're just animals, we must be running around in the jungle, come with us!!"
The giraffe thinks about it and says: "Yes, you are right I'm wasting my life, let's go running around like the animals we are"
So all three of them go running around in the jungle, when they suddenly find the lion, who is about to finish a Whisky bottle.
The rabbit jumps around him, yelling: "Lion, ask yourself what are you doing with your life, we're just animals we must be running around in the jungle, come with me!!"
The lion stares at the rabbit for a second, then he throws a blow with his claws and sends the rabbit flying away over the trees.
The elephant and the giraffe look to the lion half terrorized, half amazed, and the lion then says:
"Ignore the rabbit. When he is on LSD acid he just wants to run around and ask himself what he's doing with his life"

A bankrupt couple of ex-millionaires, formerly used to the high life and careless spending are now sitting down trying to cut down unnecessary expenses.

The husband says sarcastically to his wife: "Well, if you learned to cook, we could fire the cook"
The wife disdainfully replies: "And if you learned to make love, we could fire the gardener"

   

A last one, this is for Richard   :

A snail is crossing the street, when a turtle comming the other way runs over him.

The policeman comes and asks: So how did that happen?

The snail answers: " I ... I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

Very funny I like it

Also love the one about the duck and bread that's one of my all time faves ...

  very good Alberto! But are you saying I look like a snail!      

No, but I knew that was good british humour.

Here's another one:

Quote :

Holmes and Watson decide to go out camping one summer. In the middle of the night, Watson is taken out of his sleep and hears Holmes say:

"Watson, wake up. Look up and tell me what you see"

Still almost aslept, Watson rubs his eyes and looks up to the sky.

"Uh, lots of stars, Holmes, it's a beautiful night"

"And what conclusion do you draw from that, my dear Watson?"

Watson thinks about it carefully, and replies:

"Well, Holmes

Astrologically I can say that Geminis is reaching its conjunction with the sign of Pisces,
Astronomically I deduct that Jupiter is reaching its zenith over the horizon,
Meteorogically I note that we have a special phenomen of clear sky with only rare puffy clouds on one side
and philosophically I conclude that we are just tiny bits in the inmensity of the universe, completely at the mercy of the nature

Did I get it right, Holmes?"

Holmes stays silent for a while. Then he says: "Watson you stupid, someone's stolen our tent!"

 

trés bon mes amis...very funny!   

A New Husband store has opened in New York City where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

      

Do not read any fyrther if you are divorced   

Quote :

A man goes to a shopping mall and asks the seller:

-Hi, I'd like to buy a Barbie doll for my daughter as birthday present.
-Of course sir, but what Barbie do you want?
-What Barbie? Is there more than one?
-Oh yes, there are many of them. Look, this is the "Dancer Barbie" priced at 25$, that here is the "Skying Barbie" priced 28$, that other one is the "Scubadiver Barbie", priced 30$, and finally over there we have the "Divorced Barbie", priced 600$.
-What?? 600$? How come that "divorced Barbie" is so expensive compared with the others??
-Well, Sir, bear in mind that the "divorced Barbie" comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's motorboat ...

Quote :

-Dady, were you ever inlove with a teacher?

-Oh boy you bet, I once fell completely in love with a cute history teacher. She was really lovely, intelligent and good looking, what a woman.

-So what happened?

-Err, well your mother got enraged and we had to change you to another school